Oh Twitter, how wonderful you are. Unlike Facebook, largely absent of the people that we know in real life but actually can’t stand. Unlike Tumblr, generally words help. In the 21st century nothing has changed the way we use language more than Twitter, its systematic brevity only permitting the sharpest of anecdotes, the precisest of observations or the wittiest of comebacks. We salute you!
…Except when you do things like this. For every brilliant, moving, thought-provoking 140 character instalment you roll onto my timeline, there is likely twice as many tweets that make me want to bash my head off the keyboard in frustration. Instagram’d pictures of food, rolling weather updates, extensive critical analysis of niche anime series that you can’t even pronounce; these really ought to be the contents or Twitter’s recycling bin. And even though we’re only human, the following 34 kinds of tweet in particular have no place on the glorious Twittersphere. (Thank goodness for the ‘Unfollow’ button, eh?)
1. Exact descriptions of what you had for lunch, especially if it was monotonously standard, lunch-esque, food.
2. Painfully-contrived selflies, captioned ‘Why am I so ugly?’ or similar.
3. Blatantly stolen jokes.
4. Announcements, proclamations or declarations of boredom.
5. Equally, announcements, proclamations or declarations of boredom that come with a photo to verify said boredom. (Typically captioned ‘Why am I so ugly?’)
6. Retweets that manually repost someone else’s witty tweet, prefixed with a ‘lol’.
7. Foursquare check-ins to ‘my bed’ or similar.
8. Daily shout-outs to celebrities that aren’t aware of your existence and never reply.
9. Equally, endless name-drops of celebrities that tangentially know who you are but don’t actually care that much.
10. Really tragic attempts to arouse the natives by adding “#nakedtweet” onto anything banal. Why do we even need to know what you’re wearing? #clothedblog
11. Any form of support for Britney Spears.
12. Promoted tweets from Argos.
13. Links to personal blogs that inevitably turn out to be dreadful. (Yep, I see the irony of this one.)
14. Goes for double if it’s a YouTube channel.
15. And triple if you’re singing a Bruno Mars song. Badly.
16. Endless results in trending topics all asking ‘What is this trending topic about?’
17. Any attempts to liveblog-by-the-minute that episode of The Apprentice you’re finally watching from six weeks ago.
18. Quasi-propaganda political chat.
19. People’s Last FM weekly usage tweets that have under ten plays between the three artists.
20. Just about anything tweeted while at a bus stop.
21. HOROSCOPES. FUCKING HOROSCOPES DEAR GOD.
22. Tokenistic expressions of sympathy to dead people who you didn’t even know existed until they died.
23. Any derivation of ‘Oh I’m going to the cinema alone, how whimsically against social expectations of me’.
24. “RT if…” universal statements.
25. Lazy journalists looking for other people to write their entire editorial for them by ‘reaching out’ to their audience.
26. Comments on the capability of posting Tweets to Facebook. (Simultaneously, Facebook statuses on the introduction of hashtags.)
27. Goodnight wishes that make Twitter sound like a children’s TV show. Or a hippie cult. (Or worse, a nightmareish combination of the two.)
28. Anything written in the name of ‘Team Followback’. *shudders*
29. Any form of electronic flirting that suggests it will lead to group sexting.
30. Anything posted by Amanda Bynes.
31. Cultural commentary on Amanda Bynes.
32. Sideways humorous parodies of Amanda Bynes.
33. ‘If I was Amanda By-‘ no.
34. ‘If I was friends with Ama-‘ seriously fuck off.
If you haven’t been put off the site forever by this list of terrifying mutilations of the art form of conversation, please consider following me on Twitter and let me know just how many of these standardised sins you’ve committed while tweeting. (I dread to think how many tweet atrocities I’ve committed myself.)